my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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