It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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