Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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