Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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