Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Randomize
