In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
