So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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