Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
There's always time for handjobs
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
