Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I just found puke in my bra..
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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