3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
