i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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