I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
