I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Randomize
