the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
