I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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