Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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