I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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