Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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