The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Randomize