saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
