I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
