At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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