Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
