Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
how drunk are you?
Several
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
