I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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