Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
