last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
