stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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