I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
