You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
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