I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
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