First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
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