I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize