What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
