I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
