i wish there were pregnant emoticons
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Let's get the cat blown out
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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