I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
