He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
