today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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