someone get that fucking seahorse.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I just found a bag of teeth...
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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