I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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