I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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