why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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