just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I am one with the molecules
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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