I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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