I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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