Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
