in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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