my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
