I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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