You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
