it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
