exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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