And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
