I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize