The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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