Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
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